Congratulations. Never before have I met someone who so deftly combines the problems of working for a disinterested, distant, "hands-off" type with the downsides of an obsessively involved manager.
If your policy is "I don't want to put any work into this business, I want you lot to earn money for me", fine, I can live with that. I'd prefer to work for someone who loves their business enough to show some dedication to it, but there are advantages to an absentee boss. However, you promptly squished them. The fact that you don't work nearly as hard as your staff means that you automatically lose the moral authority to criticise.
You decided that three training shifts per new employee was too expensive so you bumped it down to one - and then grumped that nobody knows what the hell they're doing. You fire people impulsively (for shortcomings like not knowing how to make every drink after two shifts) and wonder why we're understaffed. You pay minimum wage in a town where dishwashers earn two dollars over, pout about giving people their breaks, act as if we should be grateful for the job and then say you don't understand why the turnover rate is so high. You talk about raising morale and take away the employee discount.
Meanwhile, you can barely use the till, never brew fresh pots of coffee, haven't a clue how to pull a shot or steam a pitcher of milk, and don't wash dishes or empty garbages - when you're here, which is maybe ten hours a week. Yet somehow, you have time to call us every hour and ask how everything's going, not to mention watching us on your security cameras. You are not helping. When you're present, all you do is stress us out by ordering us around in ways that don't make any sense and actually interfere with productivity. Everybody breathes a sigh of relief when you depart.
I've stayed this long for my coworkers. Now, I quit. This used to be a great coffee shop but it's going to be in the toilet within the year thanks to your mismanagement.